I close my eyes, and I see two faces.

My friends, they tell me:

You're only in your thirties once.

They tell me:

I've ruined friendships with intimacy.

That even when we talk about what it means beforehand, feelings get hurt.

They tell me:

to trust my gut,

to speak my mind.

My gut says run away into the horizon.

My heart says there's room for more.

My mind says be careful what you wish, 

You don't want to lose the love you built before.

I close my eyes and see yours.

Your almost ellipses says more than you mean I'm sure.

I want to be ecplised, unravelled, dripping with golden sunshine.

I dance and my soul shatters into a thousand rays of light, it wants to envelop.

I want to fill every crevice with my joy.

I want to be held by your smiling eyes for eternity.

But - I know we fade and rot.

I know you want something stable to hold

Life is not stable.

Impermanence, acceptance. Not clinging.

That's what they tell me to be.

What is this if not a teacher?

Your greatest enemy is your best friend.

Is boredom my friend?

I am not bored of you,

I wasn't before. 

This isn't about boredom.

It's about pleasure and love.

It's about sharing our souls with another,

a lover is a friend.

It is profound to be a woman making love with the world!

Frida Kahlo, Josephine Baker - 

Women who dared jump into the abyss.

To throw down their glasses and kiss.

Kiss softly and fiercely,

Kiss like the world is crumbling.

Because it is.

And we are just stardust.

Stardust and sparks.

~

I love you. The way you smile, your laugh. I love looking at the sunshine with you, wading in the water.

 I miss you. I miss the way you could be mesmerized by my joy.

I know you. I don’t know you. 

I don’t know your thoughts. 

Laying under the stars makes it all feel okay. It all makes sense… Or it doesn’t make sense at all, but it doesn’t matter. I love being across from you on the ground talking about little things. Wanting so bad to hold you or have you hold me. 

I love your taste in music, your ability to learn everything so quickly, your drive. 

I love both of you.

I love all of you.

I love your little pouty face.

I love how we laugh at nothing. I love that you want me to tell you secrets and that you like the sound of my voice. I love your vulnerability. I love how much you care for each other. The sweet gifts you bring, the mess you make. 

I love you all. I love how you taught me to love, how to touch and kiss, how to trudge through the mud like a fairy. I still embody you when I go out dancing from time to time. Perhaps that’s how we’re all one. You are alive inside me.

Sometimes I feel separate from you and want so bad to come together, but then I remember the stars and feel the trickling of joy warm my body. Our body.

We love. We love to be in love. To be held in love, looked at with love. To be ravished, to ravish. Can we ravish our own hearts? Can I ravish you with my love from afar? I suppose I could. Is that enough? Will that remain enough? 

Somebody once asked me who I would love. It was my grandmother, the witchy one. I said someone with dark curly hair who was funny, and it’s true. I love everyone who makes me laugh, whose flame lights me on fire.

When I first saw you, you were playing music. When I first saw you, you were listening to music, hiding in your hoodie. When I first saw you I saw your smile, I wanted to bathe in it. Oh when I first saw you I was blown away; the red lips and sunshine. When I first saw little you, I held you in my arms. When I first saw you, you clung to me afraid. When I first saw you I knew we would be friends, I told you so. When I first saw your flaming hair I was drawn in, like a moth. I am a moth to your love.

We are moths to our love. 

Let us humm all day. 

Purr and cuddle. 

What else is there to do but laugh with you? 

Every single other thing seems wasteful of this love.